Being Your Best Self

Did you know that socializing isn't just good for the soul, but also for your brain? Researchers at the University of Michigan have uncovered that social interaction acts as a mental workout, providing cognitive benefits akin to exercise for the body. Just as physical activity strengthens muscles, engaging socially with others stimulates the mind, leading to immediate cognitive boosts. Think of it as flexing your brain muscles to enhance your intelligence and mental agility. I'm Curtis. My pal here with me tonight is Joe. And we are dudes in progress. Hey, Joe.

Kurt Stone. What's shaking, my friend?

How's the week going?

Can I ever tell you how much I love that name, Kurt Stone?

I think you have. I don't know.

It just sounds tough, man. Kurt Stone.

Well, that's not really technically my real name.

Hey, don't spoil it. Stop it.

I know I should.

What's going on, buddy?

Take that. A compliment. If I was being my best social person, I'd take that comment. And there you go. Absorb it.

Take it for what it is. Say, thank you, Joe. I appreciate your compliment.

Yeah, thank you, Joe. It's always great to talk to you in the middle of the week, not waiting till Saturday.

I'll be honest with you. My preference is probably our Friday morning sessions. When we record on Friday mornings. Somehow I just feel fresher and more alive and more alert. Let's do it Friday mornings.

I can do that this week. We can maybe get ahead instead of.

Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah, that'd be nice. I'm heading to Kansas City next. We might. We might need to. Let's work that out.

Well, before we do that, I got a topic for you. I don't know if I mentioned it briefly. I've been reading a book, trying not to read two books at the same time. So I went back to this book I started reading called the best self be you, only better, by Mike Bayer. And I'm enjoying not. I'm probably, like, halfway through it, and he's a life coach, talking about this topic that he calls fears, which is an acronym for social life, personal life, health, education and relationships, employment, and spiritual life of your life.

Well, that pretty much makes up all of life, right? Social, personal, health, education, relationships, employment.

That's right.

Spiritual. Is that what you said?

Was that the spiritual? Yeah, spiritual is in there.

I like it.

And before I get there, the book goes into detail into each of those spheres. But he had a really interesting exercise, and I did it. I challenge you to do it. I don't know if you have or not. It's definitely an exercise to do some self reflection. And based on the title, you might guess what it is. And, Joe, my question for you is, who are you when you are being your best self?

Do you remember that scene from the breakfast club? Did you see the breakfast club, Kurt? Back in the 80s?

Probably many times. Yeah.

I've seen it hundreds of times. For the longest time, it was my favorite movie. I've seen it hundreds of times. Who am I? I'm reminded of the nerd in breakfast club. I can't remember the guy, the actor's name, but he's sitting there with two pencils in his nose saying, who am I? Who am I? I am a. So, while I'm not a walrus, I appreciate this question, Kurt, who am I when I'm being my best self? When I thought about this question, and you gave this question to me in advance, but I came up with something at the last minute, and what I came up with was an affirmation of sorts or something that I read to myself every day to point me towards who I want to be that day. So I'm going to read that to you.

Okay.

And I think you'll like it. I titled it today. I titled it today.

You're a poet, sounds like.

Not really. There's nothing that rhymes here.

All poems don't have to rhyme. I don't think.

It's not worth reading if it doesn't rhyme. Who can take the time if you don't read a poem that rhymes. You see what I did there?

I noticed. Well done.

It's called today. It's called today. Today I choose joy. Today I do the right thing. Today I will simplify. I will dwell on the good. I will go slow to go fast. I will be present in the moment and appreciate it for what it is. I will make decisions with the information I have, the wisdom I've been blessed with, and my life experience. Then I'm at peace with the decisions. I do not leave the scene of a decision without taking some action that moves that decision forward. I am responsible for my actions, attitudes, and responses to circumstances, no matter what they may be. And today I will serve, praise, honor, and treat gently the people in my life.

For someone who didn't do their homework, you sure did a great job with that question. That was fantastic. I'm impressed.

Yeah.

I don't know if everyone in the audience could do as good as that, but that is. Did you have that? Been working on it your whole life?

Yeah, I wrote that in a moment of just trying to figure out what I want to be a long time ago.

Wow.

And when you asked me this question, I immediately went back there and I said, and I wrote it, and I read it every day for the longest time. And I don't know how I got out of that rhythm, but I stopped. And when I went back and looked at it, I said, joe, this is who you want to be. If you're being your best self, this is who you want to be.

That's fantastic. That's a great reflection, and you're right on the spirit with the book. And if I can help anyone listening, I'll give you some of the questions you can ask yourself when you're trying to figure out your best self. Are you compassionate toward yourself and others? Are you optimistic? And a lot of what Joe said is in here. This is great. Always looking for the bright side or the silver lining. Are you forgiving toward those who have tried to hurt you? Are you brave in that you speak up for yourself or someone else? Are you imaginative, often thinking out of the box? Do you act kindly towards others even when no one's looking? Do you demonstrate efficiency at work? Do people consider you to be a loyal friend or trusted, confident? Are you loving toward your children? I'll add your wife there, too. Are you creative and often express your creativity? Do you pick up litter when you see it on the street, when no one else is looking? Do you try to resolve conflicts as they arise? And are you grateful I added that one that was one of my own. But, Joe, yours was wonderful. You did a great job there.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

I was thinking back to the exercise we did with emotional intelligence when there was four or five points there of what they consider emotional intelligence. And I really concentrated on one area and felt, oh, boy, I'm going to ace this because I am really good at this one area, not realizing there's four or five points I'm not too great at. So sometimes you're not always your best self, even though you think you are.

Yeah. How did you answer that question? Who are you when you're being your best self? Kurt?

Yeah, I'll answer that. I think, with the part two of this, and I'll take this one, and then you can think on it, if you didn't already, but a great way. Once you do analyze and give some thought to this, as great as Joe did, can you find and think of a character that best describes you from a book or movie? And I quickly went, maybe this is from my Disney podcasting, because I had to think of it when you're talking about that topic all the time. And the character I thought of was Baloo from Disney's Jungle Book because I saw that movie with my mom when it first came to the theaters back in 1967. And I don't have a lot of memory from my childhood, but I somehow remember that theater, that movie, and this character Baloo. And I've reflected on this quite a bit. He's laid back and carefree. He's a fun loving bear. He's easygoing, he's jovial, and he has a love for relaxation and enjoying life. But even though he's got this lazy demeanor, he's also kind hearted, loyal, protective, especially towards his friends. Balu is often wise, offering insightful advice through his profound outlook on life. He's adventurous. He's always up for a new escapade or adventure. So I like how he just embodies warmth, humor and a free spirited attitude. So if I'm being my best self, that's who I am. I'm Baloo, the big guy.

Yeah, I can see that.

Thanks.

I can definitely see that. When I saw this question, I really had to think, first of all, I've seen a lot of movies, as you probably have as well, but I'm a movie fan.

Yeah.

And I went to a couple of different places. I wasn't sure where I wanted to land, and I'm not even sure how I landed on this. And I'm not sure if this is the best answer. I thought about people from did you ever see to kill a mockingbird?

I don't know that I have. I recognize the title.

The Gregory Peck character, the attorney Atticus Finch.

I can't say that I have.

Yeah. He displayed integrity and compassion and wisdom, and I really like that character. You should really go back and. Because I don't want to give it away if you've not seen it, but when you talk about the kind of person you want to be, go back and watch to kill a mockingbird. Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch. But then I thought, what also is a good character, who also was a good character I like is Chris Gardner from the pursuit of happiness. Did you ever see that movie?

Yes.

Yeah. Here's a guy that was just had his. He was riding the bus with his kid. He ended up being a single father riding the bus with his kid because he didn't have a home. And that's the only place he could go was so he would ride the bus around. And he got this one single opportunity to be with an investment firm. I think it was an investment firm, yeah. And he just worked and focused and still took care of his son. Immense challenges. I mean, he showed his son Joy amongst struggle, and I liked that character. But then I started thinking even more, and I fell on Samwise Gamci from Lord of the Rings.

Okay.

And the character from Lord of the Rings, Samwise, I think so.

Which I don't know these movies that well, but I think I know who you're talking.

Yeah. He is Frodo's friend who helps him in his journey. And arguably that Samwise Gamchi is the true hero of Lord of the Rings. He's just the epitome of what it means to be loyal and brave. He's got this incredible sense of duty, Kurt.

Yeah.

No matter how dark it gets, he's got this shining light, this joy inside of him that just won't quit. He won't give up, man.

Yeah.

I love this character. He goes on this crazy adventure across middle earth with Frodo. Frodo struggles with the ring, and he stays by his side the whole time. But he's the strong one in the. The. Now, many will argue that Frodo is the only one that could have carried the ring, but he's the real strong one in this friendship, and he's got a way of enjoying life's little moments. He understands the urgency of the mission, but he also finds the beauty in the adventure. I just love this guy. I love this character. He's so grounded. He's so grounded, responsible, always looking at the bright side, no matter how bad things get. I like this character a lot.

Good job.

Just the joy he exudes, the loyalty he has, the stick to itness, the bravery, the unbelievable bravery. And he's unsung, which I dig that as well. So if I were to answer that question and I did a couple times, it would be Sam wise Gamci from Lord of the Rings.

That's awesome. Well, the idea of the exercise not only to think about who you are when you're being your best self, but if you can relate it to a character that keeps those qualities in your memory, like movies do and these characters do, you'll know when you're being your worst self. Because we're not always our best self. Sometimes we are our worst self. And I'll give you some ideas, and if you're going to ask me who I am when I'm being my worst self, I think some of these questions when I answer them in the positive, I'm not being my best self. I'm being my worst self. Right. Do you harbor unforgiveness toward yourself or others? Are you quick to anger? Well, there you go. I'm starting to describe my worst self. Do you often knowingly make unhealthy choices? Yeah. Are you impatient much of the time? Yeah, I can be that. Do you act like a know it all? That is one of the things that annoys me the most, and I got stories for that. Do you often give up before accomplishing a goal? Do you believe you are not good enough? Do you let people walk all over you? Do you often act selfishly?

My gosh, if we were on that score from one to five like we did on the test, I'd pass that test.

You'd have a high score.

My gosh. But we all do, Kurt. We need to be a little forgiving of ourselves. Although that one question. Do you harbor unforgiveness toward yourself or others? That's a question that stands. That stood out to me as you are reading it. A lot of these did, but for some reason, that stood out to me. I don't harbor a lot of unforgiveness towards others, but I have a lot of regret that I live with in my life.

Right.

Probably some of it is warranted, but I may be a little too heavy handed towards myself sometimes, but, yeah, that really stood out to me.

Yeah.

The whole idea about being quick to anger. I have flashes of anger and then I settle down. But I do have it, man.

Yeah. I was thinking I'm quick to be an annoyed.

Yeah.

That's one of my worst characteristics.

Yeah. I want to explore this question about, do you act like a know it all because you made a little comment about that? Give me some context behind your reaction to that question.

I think there are times when I'm a little sarcastic and condescending to people when I shouldn't be. There's areas in the technology that I work with or other things that I'm pretty good at, and I can be a little condescending to people who aren't.

I get you. I guess it's so much of it is situational and relational, because I don't see that from you at all, Kurt.

Yeah. I don't know what turns it on and off. That's the weird part, right?

Yeah.

The idea is when you do catch yourself doing it, because you're right. I don't do it all the time. But the idea with this character is really. Would Baloo do that? No. Right. Would my best self do that in that situation, if I caught myself. I know you think about things that you said to people after the fact and you want to apologize for it. You've said that to me on a number of occasions.

Right?

It's that kind of thing, really. Did I have to be that way in that situation? There was no need for that.

When you realize that you've been in a way that may have hurt somebody or demeaned somebody or made somebody feel less than worthy, are you quick? May not even be the best word, but are you willing to go back and say, hey, man, I know I probably talked down to you, or I know I really talked to you in a way that wasn't appropriate for the situation, and I just want to let you know I'm sorry?

No.

Do you find yourself doing that?

No.

I'm telling you, man, that's a great exercise. Yeah, it really is, right?

It is. And, hey, I could learn from that. Doing that. It's more than just reflecting back for yourself. You're right. You can go back and try to patch that up a little bit.

No doubt, no doubt. When I look at this list, I also think about acting selfishly. I think we all, to a point, Kurt, act selfish, right? Oh, yeah. Part of that is natural self preservation, and I think we've learned that. But also, sometimes I want what I want, man, and I'm going to figure out a way to get it. Be darned the raised earth that I leave behind me. And sometimes, yeah, I act very selfishly.

Yeah, we're all selfish by nature. But when you act unselfishly, it's your best self.

Definitely.

Absolutely not. Knowing that, can you think of a character that describes your anti self? And I could go first on this one, too. I gotta admit, I used Chat GPT to help me with this one. I put in a bunch of characteristics that I thought were my worst self. And two came. Well, there are several that came up, but Scrooge from Kinson, famous Christmas story. And not that I think that the part of Scrooge is more of just being in a lousy mood, short to lose my impatience. And that anger piece is more the Scrooge side of me, I don't think. I'm not necessarily as pessimistic as Scrooge ever, but that little bit of Scrooge there can show itself. And then when you were talking about the know it all, that's where Sheldon Cooper came out. You know Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang theory?

Oh, yeah, I've seen the big Bang theory a couple times. But tell me about the character.

Well, they're all supposed to be friends. They're all highly intelligent physicists and doctorates in this kind of thing, but he definitely. He'll tell you straight up, he's a know it all. He does know it all. He even talks down to his friends quite often. And he's got a lot of other personal quirks, but that was the one particular characteristic that I focus in on from Sheldon Cooper.

Yeah.

So if I'm acting like Scrooge or Sheldon Cooper, then I know I'm not being my best self.

So the answer to this question for me is, it's in real time. Okay. I'm trying to think of a character that there's a couple characters that come to mind. There is Archie Bunker. Okay. And the thing that I like about Archie Bunker is I think deep down, he may have a good heart.

Right, right.

But he's ignorant. I think he's ignorant by choice. And he doesn't try to be until you get to the later episodes when needed. Thighs and all that other stuff, but.

Right.

Classic. Yeah. He just is purposefully ignorant. And he doesn't try to be anything other than that. He doesn't try to grow stubborn, make himself better.

Absolutely.

But I like the character. He's funny. You know what I mean? And maybe the same thing with Sheldon. Maybe the. Sheldon's kind of a likable character in a way, but he's just irritating.

He's irritating. That's the.

Yeah, yeah.

There's usually episodes where he's extremely irritating during the beginning of the episode, and they break through the ice with him somehow, but he doesn't really admit to it too much.

Do you remember the movie Wall street? I've never seen it with Michael Douglas.

Yeah, I know of it, but I've never seen it.

This was a movie from back in the. There's this character that Michael Douglas played named Gordon Gecko, and his philosophy was, greed is good.

Right.

And it really set the tempo for that movie. And that attitude set the tempo for much of the time, period, the get what you can, the one who dies with the most toys, wind. And he was ruthless. You should see this movie. I pursued money at any cost.

Right. Yeah.

He didn't have the fundamental values that I admire. He was just the absolute opposite. But he also was very successful. Right, okay. And there's a weird way that I relate to him, which I don't like, which is the pursuit of greed and the pursuit of selfishness brings about growth. Right. Wealth, persistence, stuff that's for sure. Yeah, but he was just not a good guy. He was not a good guy. He exploited people for his own personal gain at the expense of others. I just don't like that guy. Greedy, ruthless. Yeah, just don't like him.

You like the focus.

I like the focus.

That's so brutal.

Yeah, but he's just a jerk, man. He's more than a jerk. It's just.

Are you saying that sometimes you're like him?

Yeah, I don't think so. I do have those tendencies. Right? I can be a jerk. And I gave up on ruthlessness and that kind of stuff a long time ago. I've never been one to try to run roughshot for personal gain. But I would be a liar if I didn't say that I made decisions out of selfish gain that sometimes were at the expense of others, especially when I was younger. And I don't like that type of person.

All right, well, that's just a little exercise to try get you in the spirit and the mood of looking at these spheres of your life. I'm going to talk about the social life aspect, which really fits well in the friendship stuff. We were talking about. Joe. I thought this.

Yeah, definitely.

As I was reading this chapter, we were doing those episodes, and I'm thinking, this fits really well if you want to be really good at socializing and when you're being your best self, do these sort of things. And he gives. I got ten of these to review. And it also reminded me, and I know you know the book, how to win friends and influence people. There's some beauties in there, too, that maybe for extra credit, we'll take a look at. Yeah, right.

I love that book.

Yeah, I thought you would key in on that, too. But since you haven't read this book, I'll tell you some of the ten things, of course, we talked about in my lead in the intro how important it is to have a great social life. And I've talked about being an introvert. This is something again. I'm good once I get to know someone, I think. But there are times when I'm better than others. There's times when I'm being my best self and I'm being not so good, and I can definitely see that and then try to do some of these things and some of these really resonate with me. But if you're going to be in a social, I think of the conferences I used to go to when I didn't know anybody. You asked me, how are you when you're in an awkward situation where you don't know anybody, I have to really get out of my shell. One of the things I could do is have something in mind that I want to share. So if I come in prepared and I know I have something interesting I can bring to a conversation that is really helpful and try to just think on my feet, which I'm not very good at, but if I have something, a story or something that I can share or help someone else, that would be good. Coming into a social situation, remain present. This is really important these days because everyone's looking at their phone, and I know, Joe, when was it you had a bunch of rules where you weren't going to take your phone to a restaurant, for instance?

Yeah, I've added a rule to that, and I can go over those real quick. But it is all about remaining present. It's about being present at the moment other than the last one, which is just for efficiency's sake, right? The first one is, I don't take my phone into restaurants with me anymore unless I'm going by myself. If I'm with a group of friends, I do not take my phone with me. If my wife and I are having breakfast or dinner, I don't take my phone into the restaurant with me because I want to be there in the moment. And you look around and you see a couple sitting across from each other, and they both have their nose in the phone. And that bothers me because I'm that guy, right? If I had my phone there, my nose would be in the phone, justifying it by looking up some kind of dish that represents what's at the restaurant, or do I like this? Or what are the calories in that? Or something, whatever. Or looking at Facebook. So I don't take my phone into restaurants. I don't take it into church with me anymore for the same reason, right? I don't want to sit there and look at Facebook or check email or texts or whatever it might be during church. I want to be present in the moment listening to the sermon or whatever it might be. I don't take it to bed with me anymore. I don't put it next to my bed. It's across the room, because I want to go to sleep, right? And I want to be present in that moment as I'm going to sleep, or talking to my wife, or winding down the day. And just for efficiency's sake, and to save time, I don't take it into the bathroom with me anymore either. I'm convinced that guys would get back 2 hours of their day every day if they didn't take their phone into the toilet with them.

We'll leave this one right there. That's good place to leave. This one I really like.

But yes, remain present in the moment. Be in the moment.

I know I like building community with my podcasts, and Facebook is a great place for that. But if I'm at one of my live community events, I shouldn't be looking at Facebook. I should be present with the people I'm with. This one I can remember you talked about Cliff Ravenscraft a little bit and talked about how to promote discussion and asking questions. I think that works in social media if you want to create some engagement. But being interested in other people, which is one of the how to win friends and influence people and asking really good questions to people, what do they do for a living? How's your family? All those kinds of questions that shows that you're interested in the other person.

Asking questions and being a good Listener. And I see your list here.

That's number four. Yeah.

You can put them together if you like, right there. This is a real skill that we can get wrong, right. When we ask questions. We don't want to ask questions like an interrogation.

Yeah.

We want to ask genuine questions about the person and build on their answers. Right. Follow their agenda, not yours. If you're really trying to get to know somebody, right, follow their agenda. And you only follow their agenda if you build on their answers and follow their emotions and follow their reactions and be genuinely interested. Body language. Yeah, genuinely interested. Yeah. It's not a sin to act genuinely interested, even if you feel like it's being contrived because you care more about the person. If you're not interested in the way they fix a car or the way they do, way they program a computer or their trip to Disney world or whatever it is, you may not be necessarily interested in that, but you're interested in the human being. And so if you're interested in the human being, you're interested in what drives them. That's your frame of reference. At least that's the way I look at it, Kurt. When I ask questions, when I'm having a conversation with somebody, I build on their answers and how they respond. And a lot of that is about being a good listener, too. And I know I don't want to steal your thunder here, but being a good listener is really a skill that I work on, man, and I'm not good at it. I don't know if it's a guy thing. I don't want to blame it on that, but I really try to work on this, and I think the best way to be a good listener is to be a reflective listener. Not mocking, but reflective. Feed back to them what you heard.

Right.

And give them the space to continue the conversation.

I know I've taken a course on just that. I remember years ago, you could do a whole episode on how to be a good listener. That is for sure. And I've seen people that are really good at both of these, asking questions and being good listener, and you pick up on it right now, you're like, wow, this person really has good social skills. Those two right there, I think, hit home. And I try to do better when I'm my best self with those. I did this on my last trip again to Disney World, where I was meeting people that I hadn't met before who are listeners of my podcast. I want to be interested in them and show that I care, and I want to know about them. So it's great. Maintain an open body language. Yeah. You ever see someone who's all slumped down and disinterested? You can tell what did someone said, once said, like, 70% of the message comes from your body. Is that the number or something like that?

Yeah, something like that. And I believe it, man.

Right? People. Really? Well, I know Joe picks up on it. We've learned that from Joe. He knows how to read emotions from people.

Yeah, I do. I'm reasonably good at reading body language, but there is some body language that can be misinterpreted, and you have to understand the situation in the person and really get to know a person. But I think controlling your own body language is more important than even reading. Reading somebody else's body language, which is important, but controlling your own body language and maintaining an open body language, I love that you put this in here, Kurt, because if you're listening to somebody and you just may be resting your arms, you just may be tired or uncomfortable with the way you're sitting, and you have your arms all folded tight against your chest, and that's communicating something to somebody. It's communicating something to somebody, and they don't even know it's communicating it to them. And you may not even mean to say what your body language is saying.

Yeah.

So you have to be very careful, be aware of your body language and how you're presenting yourself. So I love that you put this in there.

Well, I'm learning it from the book. Be aware of your tone. Right next to body language is you could say one word one way and say it another way. And everybody knows there's a difference in meaning based on your tone. You could be sarcastic and say something positive and it doesn't come across positive.

Yeah. This is a place where I need work. I tend to be direct, especially when I'm trying to make a point. And I want to be clear and concise. I will be direct, but my tone can be biting. Right?

Yeah.

We talked about before, when I'm passionate about a subject and I'm talking to my wife and she says, stop yelling at me. And I'm not yelling at you. I'm just passionate about this. Well, if I take a step back, I'm yelling. Okay, comes across. I'm not angry. Other people, too, but I'm not angry. Right, right. But that's on me. It's not on her. If I'm trying to make a point, I have to be aware of my tune, because if she's perceiving it as angry, then that's how she's going to hear it.

Right.

And regardless of what's the way I'm feeling now, there's that exchange back and forth. We don't want to be overly sensitive. And just because somebody may blink an eye at you, you suddenly think that they're out to get you or they're mad at you. So you have to beware of your own interpretation of body language as well. But take responsibility. I think this is important, Kurt. Take responsibility of your body language and your tone. That's really important.

As you're explaining this, I think of culturally, us in the northeast can be direct and a bit rough around the edges compared to. I don't know if it's. Maybe the cultures have changed a little bit. We interact with each other a lot more than we ever did from southerners who are more laid back, possibly, or Midwest folks that might not really understand the way we speak and our tone can.

Yeah, I definitely understand that chat.

Don't preach. So I don't think if you're in a new social setting, you really want to talk about politics or religion, we'll go to the extremes. There's no sense. I really stay away from those controversial topics. For sure. It's not important to me enough, especially when I'm meeting someone for the first time, to get that preaching. I'm not that type of person anyway. I'm more of trying to make everyone feel happy around me. Yeah, maintain eye contact is important. Again, that goes back to remaining present. Give positive feedback. How would you give positive feedback.

There is a technique to giving feedback when you sandwich feedback. When you sandwich negative feedback. Positive, negative, positive. You know that technique, right?

Yeah.

Start with a positive, give the negative feedback and end with a positive.

Right.

That's always a good tool to use and it works. But also just find a way to genuinely compliment somebody. Find a way to genuinely be on their side and to support the good things about them. I've always felt if you let people know who they are, they'll be who you want them to be.

Well, I've learned this again through my community. The tone that you set or the way that you talk, they'll parrot back that to you. If you're rough and gruff and swear and cuss, that's what you're going to build in your community.

Boy, I tell you what, if there's anybody that I dislike, the person that is, well, I'm going to say what I need to say because it needs to be said. And if somebody doesn't like it, well, they can just go do themselves. And I do not like that person at all. There's no honor in that. There's no dignity in that. Toxic. You look like a fool.

Right.

And there are a lot of people who take this weird pride in being. I am who I am. Right?

Yeah.

I'm going to be what? I'm going to take it or leave it. I'm my own man or my own woman. If you're telling me to take it or leave it, I'll leave it. See you.

Most people. That's right. Most people will.

Yeah, I don't like those people.

I like how I said the number nine was give positive feedback and you said, give compliments. That's something easy to do. If someone's wearing something that you're like, oh, I really like that shirt, or, I really like those shoes. And you're honest. Where'd you get that?

Yeah, I think my kids are really good at that, especially the strangers. It's almost awkward for me because every single one of my daughters will just go up to a perfect stranger and say, oh, my gosh, I love your purse.

Where'd you get that purse?

Yeah. Can we just buy milk and get out of here? I have my own version of that as well.

And she's made a friend immediately.

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

I like this number ten. Also, I think, again, in building community, I talk about how I felt really awkward being the stranger in a group of people that knew each other. And when that group with open arms welcomed me in and acknowledged me and took me in right from the get go. That always rang so core to me. And I try to say this to our community, especially when they're weird Internet friends you've not met. These are people from the Internet, and everyone's scared about people from the Internet. But acknowledge them and introduce them to people, make them feel comfortable, and before you know it, they're close friends and not weird Internet friends. This is something that's really important to me when we're building community, is acknowledging.

Strangers and bringing people into the fold that are on the fringes. And I love that, too, Kurt, and I can definitely see that in you. I want more of that in my life. I need to do that more often. It's something that I've intentionally done. I'm not sure it's something that I naturally do, because sometimes I get caught up in my own conversation and my own thing and just look on the fringes, man. Look at the fringes and see who you can invite into your circle.

Oh, I absolutely had to do this outside my comfort zone. This is the thing that my introvert person, when I'm being my worst self, will not do. But again, sometimes you look at other people and you see them being a leader and being a community builder and being the person that you want to be, you're like, wow, look at what they're doing. I got to do more of that. I got to be intentional about that.

I'm looking at the last few on your list, Kurt, and, like this chat, don't preach. This is something that I can learn because we can get sometimes so caught up in what we want to say, that instead of just having a conversation, we are preaching at somebody, and we don't give them breath when I say we don't give them breath. Right. To absorb what you have to say for them to be a part of that interaction. And you can't deny the power of eye contact, Kurt, this is a skill. This is a skill that if you want people to trust you and if you want to bring people into your life and you want to give them a sense of friendship, you've got to look them in the eye when you talk to them. When they're talking to you, you have to. And if you're too shy or awkward. I don't know, man. Figure it out. Figure out a way to maintain eye contact, because that does show respect to somebody. A lot of people don't maintain eye contact because they're shy or they feel awkward or they think it's rude sometimes. But, man, when you're talking to me. I promise you, I'm looking you dead in the eye.

Well, there is a balance, Joe.

Yeah. You don't want to stare. You don't want to stalk them, stalk them, look away every once in a while. But, yeah, if you ever talk to somebody that they are looking you straight in the eye with intent, you can tell that, man, this is somebody that is. I'm having a real human interaction here.

Now, I know you know books and you read how to win friends and influence people. I did list in our notes some of the key points from there. Was there anything from that Dale Carnegie's book that you could squeeze in here to the conversation that are important for socializing?

Yeah, there are a few things. A lot of the stuff we talked about already, just a few of the fundamental things that he talks about in his book is don't criticize, don't condemn or complain with people. Criticism is really futile, Kurt.

Yeah.

Because it really puts them on defensive, and all they want to do at that point is justify themselves. It doesn't move the relationship. It doesn't move the relationship. You know, one thing to remember, and this is something I'm really bad at, and I have to be intentional about this, is remembering somebody's name.

That's the one. I was so impressed. That was the one I was going to pick. Yeah.

I'm so impressed when somebody remembers my name and calls me by my name a few minutes after I've met them, or even more a month after I've met them, or maybe longer. Right. I'm so impressed by that. Figure out a way to learn somebody's name, and I think the best way to do that is when you find out somebody's name, repeat it to yourself several times.

I know.

To yourself, this person's name is Kurt. This person's name is Kurt. Hello, Kurt.

You gotta relate it to something if you can relate it to something.

Yeah. Word association is always a good technique. Have you ever met those people that they can remember every name of the person?

I hate those.

Oh, what a talent. It is too much work for me, though. Too much work for me.

It is. I've been pretty good because of social media and having conversations online with people or interviewing them on podcasts. I've been pretty good then being able to remember their name so that I meet them in person. It's quite easy for me to do, but that is really important. Everyone's name is the most important word to them.

Yeah. There's lots of parts on leadership in this book, too. How to win friends and influence people. And there's three really key points that I took away from this book on leadership. And this can roll into many parts of your life. But if you're trying to lead people, here are really three important points. There's all kinds of books on leadership, but think about these three things. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Acknowledge your own failings that maybe relate to that thing that you need to talk to that person about.

Yeah, okay. That's a good one.

Frame it that way. Bring yourself in softer. Make yourself human. Right.

Right.

Hey, listen, I've done that before. I talked to a guy today. It's very interesting. He made probably about a $5,000 mistake on an order that he put in where he quoted the wrong thing. And it's going to cost the company about $5,000. And it is what it is. Right. He wasn't malicious. It wasn't intentional.

Right.

He didn't do it out of even necessarily sloppiness. Right. Yeah. But it was just a mistake. He overlooked a couple of things, and it was a mistake. And the way I started the conversation was how I did almost the exact same thing many years ago and what I learned from it and how to keep it from happening again and how to rectify it with the customer. And how do we report, what's the best way to report this up? So we acknowledge it. So we get ahead of it and acknowledge it to leadership.

Right. Also.

So talk about your own mistakes before criticizing somebody else. Also, ask questions instead of giving direct orders. This is really cool. Instead of just telling somebody what to do, ask them about if they have ideas about the best way to do it or if there's another way that they think it could be done.

Right.

Something like that. Instead of just giving directive after directive, get feedback from them on how they think it should be done or ask questions that will lead them down that path of the right answer. Yeah, you can certainly do that. And I think this is the most important thing. This is important in leadership. It's important in sales. It's important in every aspect of life. Leave people with dignity. Let the other person save face if they've made a mistake. If you've won. Right. If you've won and whatever win means, leave that situation with dignity. Right. If you're right about something, fine. You are right. And if things are going your way or you got your way, leave that person. Whether it's a negotiation, whether it's a selling situation or a sales situation or a leadership situation, always leave the person with dignity. Let them save face.

Great way to finish up this topic and being our best self when we are socializing. Or Joe added a little bit bonus there when you're leading and leading people.

Yeah. Well, you asked about when friends and influence, right?

That's right.

Those were my takeaways from that book. And I went back and looked at some notes that I had from that book, and that's where I pulled that from.

You did your homework.

Well, good stuff, man. I like this topic. I like this conversation. I think that we can always strive to be better today than we were yesterday. And I think I heard who is the actor? Really well known actor. He was. His famous line was, all right, all right, all right. Who's that guy? Matthew McConaughey. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I remember watching him give a speech and he talks about his hero, and he says, he asked, who is my hero? Meaning talking about himself. He says his hero is himself ten years from now. Oh, wow.

Very profound.

And what advice would whoever he is right now, ten years from now, what advice would that person give to him?

Sure.

Today.

Yeah. If he's doing the right things.

Yeah. So we've always got to be better, right?

Love it.

And always have to be our best self. Good topic, man. Good topic.

Thanks, Joe.

And I apologize if I was a little all over the place we got there.

I don't think so. I think you did your homework well. Well done. What's your win for the week?

Oh, what is my win for the week? Well, I'm making it through a book called the Prosperous Coach by Rich Litvin and Steve Chandler. And this is probably a path that I'm going to explore, Kurt, to be either a sales coach or a personal coach at some level, helping people move through life and their life and structure their decisions and structure their path in a way that leads them to the results that they want. And this book, the prosperous coach by Rich Litvin and Steve Chandler, is a really good book. So my win for the week is I'm making it through this book, and I really appreciate what it's offering so far.

How far are you into it and how big of a book it is? I got a feeling it's a big book.

It's not that big of a book. It's expensive. And part of it being expensive, I think, is they want you to buy it and read it all the way through. They want you to really make an investment in it. I think the book is 400 pages, maybe decent, maybe close to 400, but it's really good, but it's $40. And when we're used to buying books for 1499 on Kindle or if we catch it on sale, 499 to make a $40 investment in a book. Yeah, Kurt, I'm reading that book, and I'm so glad that I'm reading this book.

Oh, I can't wait.

This will very likely be a service that I offer at some point in my career to other people. I do it naturally now.

Right.

I do it all the time in my work. It's part of my job description in such a way, in a way that I realize that I do this a lot. So, yeah, it'll very likely be a service that I offer at some point.

And you have a skill. Yeah. You're good at it.

Yeah. Thank you. How about you?

Little update. I haven't talked about my bathroom renovation, so a little update there. When I went on vacation, I took a couple of weeks off from working on this. If you remember, last we talked, I had applied, put down the flooring, the plywood, and had that down, and I found there's, like, a 16th of an inch difference in the size of the plywood for whatever reason, even though I bought the exact same piece. Maybe that's common in buying plywood. But I knew I wanted to fill in the gaps in any little screw holes and level that out. So I bought this leveling cement through lots of talks with a friend of mine, and it's a small box, and I mixed it up. You try to get the consistency of it like pudding. And I think I thought I measured it really properly. Like, it's one part water, two parts of the cement, and it ended up being pretty thick. And it was hardening really fast, and I was getting worried, although I didn't have a lot of it to apply. It's not a really big bathroom floor. I'm not doing the whole floor, just the little gaps, but I used up a lot of it, and I wasted a lot of it. And then that first layer, I don't know. And I did have enough left to do fill in a little bit of the spaces I had the next day. But I feel like I did a decent job. I think it's level. I think the floor is level, and I'm ready to move on to the next step.

Awesome. Yeah. So much of that stuff is an art, right?

Well, you learn from mistakes, that's for sure. I said to my wife, if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have used as much of it, because I nearly used the whole box trying to get the. I don't know, the mixture correct, but, yeah, I use too much. It's like $30 for the box. I was like, I hope I don't have to buy another box. Then. The cement leveling would cost more than the plywood.

Right? That's funny. That's funny.

Yeah.

So I really like this project that you're doing. I like what you're learning from it. And whenever we go into a project like this, I know I'll speak for myself whenever I go into a project like this, man, I feel so good when I'm done. Oh, yeah. I'm standing back with a little pride, a little sense of accomplishment, and you.

Say, I don't want to stand back, joe, and go, oh, what a piece of crap. Just right. I'm very motivated to do the best.

Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. That's cool, man. That's cool.

How about a resource or hack or tip you got this week?

Yeah, this is an interesting resource that I have this week, and I used it this week, and I used it a couple of weeks ago. A few times throughout the year, my wife and I, we will do a five k, either a five k walk or a ten k walk or something like that. Almost always a walk, right? We're not training to run a marathon or a five k or anything like that, but we want to at least be respectable during the walk. And what I did is I wanted to try to figure out the distance. What would a five k look like? Or what would a five k look like? And it's. What is a five k? It's like 3.2 miles or something like that. What would a five k look like in my neighborhood? Where would I have to walk? How many times would I have to walk around it? What route would I have to take? And I looked on Google Maps, and there's a little feature on Google Maps where you can measure the distance. Now, I'm not talking about the distance it takes, the 944 miles that it takes to drive from Cincinnati to Florida. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about small, like, walking distance around a neighborhood or down a certain path. And it's right there in Google Maps.

I need to do that.

Just go to Google Maps. You pick your starting point, you right click, and that'll pull up a menu, and you just hit in the bottom of the menu will say, measure distance. And then you just start to plot your walk or plot your ride bit by bit. You click many times around the curves. And when there's a straightway. You just click and you drag it over to click to the other side of the path and methodically walk by walk. You just plot through your walk or your ride, and it'll give you the distance. It'll say 3.7 miles. I love it like that. Yeah. So I was able to plot a five k walk around my neighborhood at exactly, almost exactly a five k. Now I have to loop around one thing a couple of times and go a certain path and walk down this side of the street and take that little path, and you mess with it a little bit. But I have a clear five k walk throughout my neighborhood.

I love this because I have a couple of patterns that I walk Sundays I walk a little farther. I would love to do that. And I'm guessing then with this, you could map this around streets in your neighborhood, right?

Yeah. And what's cool about it is it's not just streets, because Google Maps will measure streets. Right. But you can zoom in around a park where Google map doesn't necessarily have a path there, right. And you can say, okay, well, I'm going to walk this park path. And you can see the park path in Google maps, and you just start clicking around. Just click right around the park path. Or you can look at your backyard and how many times you have to walk around your backyard for a certain distance, for that matter, you can do it anywhere. Google Maps shows.

Yeah, I think it'd be more challenging. There's a walking path around a little pond. It's a really big pond. I've walked it. I'm curious now how many miles that would be. Yeah, good one, Joe.

So, distance tool on any Google Maps, just right click and hit, measure distance and plot your walk or ride.

Off you go. You'll know how long you're going to be walking. My resource is a treat. I bought myself for my birthday. I had a little cash for my birthday. I added a little more. I am really into headphones. I don't know if you know that about me, Joe. Do you know that about me?

Yeah, I think I do.

We talk about. What's that term you use? We like gear.

Yeah, gas gear acquisition syndrome. I've got a lot of gas.

I didn't think I had a lot of gas until I met Joe. And he's affirmed that I do. But I have headphones for everything. I had some noise canceling headphones, but they were the Amazon specials, the less expensive. And I did some research. This all started when a friend of ours during a Christmas luncheon mentioned these Sony WH 1000 X. And I don't know why their model name is so long. That's what they do. But the description is, these are the best wireless noise canceling headphones you can buy. And I can attest they are extremely comfortable. They sound great, they cancel noise great, they look good. And I am really enjoying them. So if you want to spend, that's some money. I spent $350 with tax, including tax, because they were on sale for 330. But that's what I got.

So these Sony wh xm five s, right? Yeah, 1000 xm five s. Those were rated the top noise canceling headphones.

Yeah.

Go out there noise canceling headphones.

Do a search in YouTube, watch all the videos like I did, and you'll see these have been top rated for.

Several years now because it always seems that Bose is the standard bearer. I know things, right.

Well, they are claiming that Sony has topped them, especially in terms of the noise canceling. And Bose has had to play catch up. I think Bose is starting to release some that are, some people will say the top of the line Bose that match that price point. They're pretty close. But yeah, it was fun. I kept seeing these win the day. And I've bought a lot. I have the in ear ones, the noise canceling ones from Bose. I got a couple years for Christmas and matter of fact, they're right here too. So I have two options. I have the either in ear or around the ear ones now.

Awesome.

I love my headphones, Joe. Now I got some of the best. I love these ones we wear. We talk about the Sony. These are the ones we use for podcasting the wires ones. I've loved these ever since we bought them.

Yeah, it's a really crisp sound. I have the same model.

They're comfortable.

That's comfortable. I've used it for years. And I really like these headphones. But yeah, I'm not as big into headphones as you are. But I hear that if they compare to the bose, then they're doing something special.

They're extremely comfortable too. Yeah, you can wear them.

You see them a lot. A lot of people wear them on airplanes.

I see a lot. That's the best on airplanes. Use case for them. Tracked remote mowing the grass. Sure. But yeah, they block a lot of. Not only that low noise. Now when I go in the office, I get annoyed with people on the phone. Give them back to me.

We just went through a whole episode.

Dude, didn't we cover this already? I got to put my headphones on so I don't have to listen to people. That's funny man talking shop all day long, right next to me.

Yeah, absolutely.

When I'm trying to concentrate. Joe, what's your quote for the week?

My quote comes from none other than Lucille Ball. My wife loves Lucille Ball, and I think she's absolutely hilarious. She was a real woman pioneer in television, and she was the driving force behind Desi Lou Productions, which produced Star Trek and, of course, the I Love Lucy show. And she was the juggernaut. She was the firm hand and the strong voice, and she was absolutely hilarious. I loved Lucille Ball, and I love this quote from Lucille Ball. Think about this, Kurt. I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.

I wouldn't have expected that from Lucille Ball. You think of her as the premier female comedian, right? I'm looking for something in the comedy.

Space, but that is quirky or funny. That's why I picked it. That's why it stood out to me. I'm like, that's from Lucille Bowen. How profound.

Yeah, you gave the lead in there. She was very driven, apparently, at a time when that probably was not a woman's place at all. Right?

In her day, not at all. And she was a doer. She wasn't afraid to make mistakes. She wasn't afraid to take risks. She was not afraid.

She did fearless.

And I love this quote. I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.

That's a great way to go through life. Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah. My wife's been watching. She loves watching these old television programs. I'll walk in and she's streaming them and going through every episode, and she's been watching I love Lucy as of late. It's funny, you brought that up, and you reflect back, like, how fantastic was that? So she is so good. Yeah. Love that, Joe. Well, my quote comes from one of the people you've brought up many times, and I know you appreciate. And weren't you just talking about Lord of the Rings, which is interesting.

Jr. Tolkien, one of his friends.

This comes from. Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another, what, you, too? I thought I was the only C. S. Lewis.

Oh, yes. Yes. I love that, Kurt.

I think that's how you build community. I really think when you're building community and there's something that you all relate to, and I can think back again to my lotus community. I often said we were the bastards of it. Everyone did not understand our software and looked down at us and thought us lesser when they didn't really understand how complicated and technical it actually was in one way. And we all clinged together. We all did that same thing, and those conferences we went to brought us together. And I often think of the same thing with my Disney community. They often will say, people don't understand why adults could be so passionate about this place. And it's one of those things that keeps us together. So that's one of the things that creates friendships, is you realize you're the only one. But when you find someone who's like you, a friendship is born.

Yeah. I love this. Isn't it amazing how one small common spark can build a lifelong relationship connection? Just one common spark. I have a friend of mine who I have a lifelong. He's a lifelong friend, and we met and we started talking to each other for none other reason than our daughters had the same name, Sarah. Okay, that's it. Yeah. Our daughters had the same name. I found out that his daughter's name was Sarah. He found out that my daughter's name was Sarah. We chatted a little bit about that, and somehow we built a whole friendship from that common denominator.

Yeah, well, you and I had a common denominator of podcasting. Yeah, that started.

Isn't that cool?

And a common friend.

Yeah, I like that, man. Thanks, cs Lewis. Good show, Kurt. Yeah, this was a good one. I know we say that a lot, but. Yeah, I like this subject. I think that this whole idea behind spheres, social life, personal life, health, education, relationships, employment, and spiritual life, when you become your better self, what is the name of the book?

You, but better, best self be you, only better.

Yeah, I like it. Good subject, man.

Thanks, Joe. Take us home.

Our website is dudesinprogress.com. Dudesinprogress.com. Our email address is just like that, [email protected]. If you want to reach out to us, if you want to give us a comment about the show, if you just want to say, hi, we love you guys, you can do that at Dudesin progress. And if you want to find out more about the show and about how to go to our Facebook page, and maybe if you want to support us, you can find out a way to support us there. If you want to listen to past episodes, it's [email protected]. Dudesinprogress.com. Good show, Kurt. Remember, we want to be a better seller, better self. We gotta keep moving forward because progress is better than perfection.

I'll try to do better next week, Joe.

We certainly will. Talk to you soon, my friend.